Thursday, October 20, 2016

the colour and the shape

isn't fall the goddamn greatest? here's a wreath my mother made by hand using $3 in supplies from the dollar store:

comparison to the real thing:

also, i'd be remiss if i didn't include a shot of my newest autumn lipstick love, the deep deep purple of bite beauty's amuse bouche in rouge berry:

as i said on twitter, in regular light (read: not hyper-crazy exposure from my living room window) it's such a dark purple that it's almost black, and i love it. (it's also a fun bit of snobbery because it's only available to those who are a part of sephora's vib rouge program, which means i spent an exorbitant amount of money at the store last year) i just want to have some darker shades for fall/winter, you know?

i'm not quite sure where electric blue eyeliner fits in, though.

i'll likely make room.

also in ridiculous beauty product news: i am the queen of samples.

i got this entire bag full of samples for making a $10 donation to the canadian breast cancer foundation through a shoppers drug mart downtown. i was totally sold the minute the cashier showed me how big the bag was, and the fact that it was helping a good cause was even better. see, i am absolutely a sample junkie -- it's one of the big reasons i love sephora so much (they're pretty liberal with samples in store if you ask, and you always get your choice of three free ones when you order online).

but for me, also, it's about being miserly. i like to save money on beauty products, and so small samples are amazing because i can make them last for a few days to a week. i know they're meant to give you a little test of a new product, but i love using them to put off making bigger purchases for as long as possible. i think i've stockpiled so much face/eye cream and serum that i won't need to buy any costly full-size products for at least three months. what a victory 4 me.

live shot of my bathroom cabinet and shelf!


maybe i have a problem.

anyway, in other news, i feel like i've gotten back into the groove after my birthday weekend away. i've been super busy (in a good way) with work, i'm getting out and enjoying the fall colours in my offtime, halloween is coming, toronto wrestling weekend is coming, i'm making sure i get enough sleep, i have a third of a bottle of wine on my counter, and i'm making a more concentrated effort to eat more healthy things (namely cranberry juice, yogurt, and gluten-free bread, although not mixed together -- i also kind of want to get on board the bone broth train, especially as the temperature drops a little more).

it also helps that i got a full bill of health from my doc at my annual physical the other day (health! it's important!), even though both my current on-the-rag symptoms were noticed (bloating and bad skin, sigh). my mother said that my hypochondria can calm down a bit because there's no history of cancer in our family, so i guess i can be relieved, or at least until the next weird ache happens.

later, and stuff.

[ music | black rebel motorcycle club, "weapon of choice" ]

Thursday, October 13, 2016

up to the edge

it was pretty hard to leave this place, you guys:

but i'm home now - got back to toronto yesterday morning, after taking the godawful-early 7:34 a.m. train (which required me to get up at 5:30 in the morning) - and already back to work, but fortunately i managed to pump out most of this blog post over last weekend, so here it is!

so i was visiting my family from last friday evening til the aforementioned yesterday morning, but i had a good last thursday before leaving: a pre-birthday hang with my import boy, including early gifts! i got two wrestling t-shirts from pro wrestling tees that i absolutely love, plus all this amazing wrestling loot (yes, that's a third wrestling shirt):

yeah, there was clearly a pattern to my gifts this year, ha ha. (not pictured: seth rollins funko pop figure and a small stuffed neko atsume toy keychain)

i did alright by my family as well: a lot of gift cards and money (always appreciated), but also a cute bracelet from my stepsis, and my mother took me shopping for a new running jacket. it's always a bit weird when your birthday is only a couple months removed from christmas, because now all my gift desires have been covered, so i don't even know what i'll want in december. probably just more money.

going home to my family also means that i get fed very well:

(the middle one was my thanksgiving dinner, and the pie was my traditional birthday pie -- pumpkin pecan crunch from farm boy this year! yes, those are gimmick colour-flame candles) i really miss actual food, especially vegetables.

the island also looks pretty darn gorgeous in the fall:

i'm heading back in like two months for christmas, but this will all be iced over and potentially covered in snow, so that should be interesting.

on a whole, i'm pretty sure it was one of my better birthdays in recent memory. it was the perfect length of visit, and it was spaced out exactly how i wanted it: a day and a half with my parents, two days with my boyfriend there too, then another day and a bit with my parents before i left. it was all very chill and i had a rad time feeling all the love (especially on my birthday last sunday - so many warm fuzzies from all the nice well-wishes online).

it was also a big deal for me to complete the beginner program of ddp yoga - the initial 13 weeks wrapped up right before my birthday, so i managed to get that done and dusted. i'm pretty proud that i managed to stick to 13 weeks of yoga 3-4 times a week, although it wasn't as tough as i thought it'd be to keep up with it. i was worried that if it was left up to me to work out in my own home, i would just never be motivated to do it. but! i did it. and now we roll on into the 13 weeks of intermediate, eeeep.

honestly, it's cheesy to say it, but it's true: the best gift you can give yourself is good health and physicality. it's especially important as you hit your thirties, because it lays the groundwork for how good you'll feel in later years. i've gone to gyms in various forms - or otherwise simply been active - since i was 20 years old, because i've always known that you gotta start this stuff early. and really, after so many years, it's just a part of my regular routine. i find i get more moody and antsy if i don't get some activity in every day. sure, it takes forever to get used to it and not talk yourself out of it, and you'll still have days when you opt out because lazy, but it's worth putting in the effort. it's just so much better for your physical and emotional health.

time for a face mask and watching wrestling. dylan moran show tomorrow!

[ music | ima robot, "ruthless" ]

Sunday, October 9, 2016

years and years

oh look, here we are at officially 33 years old today.

still wearing gothy makeup and graphic tees into my thirties, whoops.

it's actually kind of amazing to me that, if you include my previous blog, i've been publicly writing about my dumb little personal life for twelve years now. twelve years! that's over a decade of life, schooling, multiple jobs, multiple relationships, multiple homes, friends lost and gained, moves to one side of the country and back again, and more. it's been twelve years of me using my writing voice as an outlet to get things out in the open in an attempt to try and figure out just what the fuck i'm doing. and you know what, it's been a great tool to be able to go back and see where i keep repeating myself, and to remind myself of the journey from then til now.

what i've been gradually coming to realize, though, is that it's become a bit of a double-edged sword.

when you're someone like me who tends to dwell on the past, it's not always a great thing to have a written history of your past right there for the viewing. there've been more than a few nights that i've spent reading over old blog entries from 2005, 2006, 2007 and very clearly remembering where i was in those moments. it's crazy to think that i was once that same girl who wrote that stuff down, because i remember all that like it was only a few months ago, but it's actually been ten years. the passage of time is a scary thing, man.

the trouble with nostalgia, though, is that it's all too easy to put on the rose-tinted glasses and only remember the good times. the blog posts don't always help; although i've always tried to be authentic in what i write, i know exactly what i was leaving out and where. and oof, honestly, i definitely remember points back then where i felt so stuck and depressed and stressed out, and i absolutely hated my life. it's just a nicer trip down memory lane to not think of those times.

but yeah, look, it's not a good habit for me. my desire to constantly go back to the old days has wrecked my friendships, my relationships, and my career path. seriously, take it from your ol' pal me: it's really hard to move forward when all you want to be is 23 again. (or whatever age you think back on as living your best life.)

i guess maybe that means my goal for the coming year should be to try and live more in the now, and accept that i'm a sum of my parts, not necessarily only my twentysomething past (awesome) or my thirtysomething present (mehhhh). it's a vital step for me, because i feel like it'll help with the ennui i have over getting older, and maybe it'll help me come to grips with the fact that i shouldn't want to go back even if i could.

because i remember, even in those nostalgic, halcyon days of my twenties, i would spend a lot of nights lying on the couch and staring at the ceiling and constantly thinking, why do i always want a different life than the one i have?

and that's my birthday introspection for today.

i'm off to go have some breakfast on the island house's back deck before we go pick up my boyfriend. thankful for thanksgiving!

[ music | the cure, "the hanging garden" ]

Thursday, September 29, 2016

sound and the rhythm

i strive to be this tree:

(also, now that the nights are cooler again, i'm sleeping better than i have in months. it makes such a difference.)

in the meantime, here's a tangent that won't mean too much to my male readership, but oh well sorry my dudes: i find it funny how i've actually gotten more experimental with my makeup as i've gotten older.

it's true that i was a late starter - i once dated a guy who'd been in glam-rock bands, and when i told him i didn't start wearing makeup until i was 20, he jovially replied, "me too!" - but it almost feels like a lot of this effort would have been better expended in my twenties. because like, i don't know about everyone else, but my skin isn't as great as it was ten years ago (read: fine lines), and i'm at that point where i'm starting to wonder if i need to overhaul any of my 10+ year "look." certain makeup applications don't look quite as good when they're sliding into the lines around your eyes and mouth, is what i'm saying.

then again, i'm also feeling the urge to do bigger and bolder things instead. prime example: lipstick. throughout my twenties, i never wore it. i bought in to the (rightful) notion that you can go big on the eyes or go big on the lips, but not both -- and i always, always needed my heavy black eyeliner. so, i only ever stuck with coloured lip glosses, unless i was going out on the town (dark nightclubs and concert venues are kind to both heavy eyes and heavy lips).

but now, in my early thirties, i've super been getting into wild-coloured lipsticks -- either really bright or really dark. here's a badly put-together mosaic of my current faves:

top two: bite beauty in kimchi and radish; middle two: make up for ever by icona pop in midnight blue, mac cosmetics lipstick in antique velvet; bottom two: kat von d studded kiss in wonderchilde, bite beauty in rouge berry. they're either ridiculously eye-popping or crazy dramatic, and it's pretty awesome.

blue blue blue

i don't feel as though i look out of my element wearing this stuff, which is important to me. i don't think i look my age; i certainly don't think i look older than my age (and i have seen some 32-year-olds who definitely do). the important part is to wear these looks with confidence, and to look proud about standing out from the herd. i read this great little story from gq yesterday about the amount of courage it takes to stand out in a crowd, and it really got me. (i was especially taken by the final message at the end: "He did it in the hope of attracting the attention of somebody else — somewhere, someday — who was the same. He was not flying his freak flag; he was sending up a flare, hoping for rescue, for company in the solitude of his passion." and aren't we all looking for our family outside of the blood?)

anyway, with that out of the way, here's your advance warning to expect more out-of-town photos soon: i'm off to kingston in a week to spend october 7th through to the 12th at both my mother's island house and my father's house in the country. it's canadian thanksgiving up here on sunday october 9th, which also happens to be my birthday(!), and then two days later it's my dad's 75th birthday. all in all, many pleasant reasons for me to take a quick leave and get the train back to my hometown for an extended weekend. (even better: my boyfriend is coming for two days on the weekend to spend my birthday with me)

what that really means for me is that i have a week to put in as much work time as possible, get all my shit together, and make it to the train station on time on friday to head home. it always feels like a scramble, even when it's not. i really never feel relaxed until i'm actually seated on the train and it's pulling away from the station.

also, i'm going to try and make this year's birthday better than last year. last year, i was inconsolable, depressed, and sobbing at the drop of a hat. sure, i can blame some of it on badly-timed pms, but i hated feeling so miserable at what was supposed to be a nice occasion. i am hellbound and determined to be in a happier, more grateful mood this year. full stop.

time to get back to work. moar coffee!!!!11

[ music | phoenix, "1901" ]